The one where I reply to some spam

Like everyone else who has an email account I tend to receive my fair share of spam. Most of the time I just delete it, sometimes I rant about it to my dog, and sometimes I try to “unsubscribe” from it (never with any success). But today, I have decided to find a use for it. I’m going to post a reply to some of it here, for our mutual amusement.

This is the latest bit of spam that I found in my inbox a few minutes ago. It seems to be from a woman (actually probably a machine) named Marcella Dolan, and it simply says this:

Subject: Want to be a hero in bed?

Are U Tired with erectile dysfunction?
Enhance your sexual life now!
Want to be ready for sex in few minutes?
Reproductive and ED problems solution
http://geocities.com/XXXXXXX—REDACTED—XXXXXXX/

We are verified by VISA. Confidential purchase.

My response is this:
Yeah! I want to be a hero in bed. I’d love to be able to save the world, or even just a house all without leaving the comfort of my nice, warm bed. How do I do it?

No, I’m not tired of erectile dysfunction, but I am tired of all these emails that seem to think that I might have that issue, the truth is I don’t have a problem, that’s never happened before, I swear, it was just stress, really.

What sex life?

I already am ready in a few minutes, my place or yours?

Woah! We really shouldn’t be thinking about reproduction so soon in our relationship. I’m not ready to get tied down yet.

Geocities? Wow, they still have those sites?

Verified by Visa with a confidential purchase? Can’t I just use my old Texaco card? I could also offer some half-chewed jelly beans that I yanked out of my dog’s mouth earlier, I’m sure they’re still good.