The theory of “porn”

Well, it had to happen someday, and it looks like today is that day. Gather round the fireplace boys and girls because we’re going to talk about porn. Stuff that appeals to the “prurient interest”. Hot, sexy, addictive visual imagery. Hot women, big curves, and sticky fluids.

First of all, we’re going to establish (based solely on my saying so, because, well, I said so) that there are currently three types of widely consumed pornography in our modern society. We’re also going to agree (again, because I said so) that an occasional indulgence in porn is perfectly normal, but that an excessive addiction to it is unhealthy.

Now, the first of our three types of porn is erotic imagery designed for sexual gratification. This is where you find words like “MILF”, “cumshot”, “gangbang”, etc. This type of porn is often available on websites with unoriginal names, and actresses in their late twenties who claim to be “barely 18″, and that “they’ve never done this before”, even though they’ve probably been on several dozen sites, getting railed more than an Amtrak train. People pay money for this stuff because it arouses one of our most basic animal instincts, the desperate need…

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My best feature

My hair is always, my best feature. Seriously, it doesn’t matter if its dirty, clean, freshly brushed or just dumped out of bed, it always looks better than ninety percent of the rest of the world’s hair. Today though, I have achieved a state of hair perfection. There’s just the right length between cuts, just the right amount of moisture in the air, and just the right angle taken when I ran my fingers through it while it was still wet.

If Abraham Lincoln had my hair he could have avoided that whole civil war mess, yes, it looks that good right now. I found god today, and it is my hair. You may kneel before it and worship, I don’t mind. Soft and supple, shiny without being oily, and, as always, not a drop of “product” anywhere near it. Shampoo, condition, rinse, towel-dry, run the fingers through it, give it a shake and its good to go, looking better and better as the day goes on and it finishes drying in the air. Oh, if only the rest of my genetics worked out this well for me.

Heck, even the hair in my beard is soft, actually, come to…

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The one where I reply to some spam

Like everyone else who has an email account I tend to receive my fair share of spam. Most of the time I just delete it, sometimes I rant about it to my dog, and sometimes I try to “unsubscribe” from it (never with any success). But today, I have decided to find a use for it. I’m going to post a reply to some of it here, for our mutual amusement.

This is the latest bit of spam that I found in my inbox a few minutes ago. It seems to be from a woman (actually probably a machine) named Marcella Dolan, and it simply says this:

Subject: Want to be a hero in bed?

Are U Tired with erectile dysfunction?
Enhance your sexual life now!
Want to be ready for sex in few minutes?
Reproductive and ED problems solution

http://geocities.com/XXXXXXX—REDACTED—XXXXXXX/

We are verified by VISA. Confidential purchase.

My response is this:
Yeah! I want to be a hero in bed. I’d love to be able to save the world, or even just a house all without leaving the comfort of my nice, warm bed. How do I do it?

No, I’m not tired of erectile…

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