First of all, we’re going to establish (based solely on my saying so, because, well, I said so) that there are currently three types of widely consumed pornography in our modern society. We’re also going to agree (again, because I said so) that an occasional indulgence in porn is perfectly normal, but that an excessive addiction to it is unhealthy.

Now, the first of our three types of porn is erotic imagery designed for sexual gratification. This is where you find words like “MILF”, “cumshot”, “gangbang”, etc. This type of porn is often available on websites with unoriginal names, and actresses in their late twenties who claim to be “barely 18″, and that “they’ve never done this before”, even though they’ve probably been on several dozen sites, getting railed more than an Amtrak train. People pay money for this stuff because it arouses one of our most basic animal instincts, the desperate need to get some tail.

The second type of porn is an entirely different type of media, and it is most certainly not erotic, and if it gives you sexual gratification you need to get some help. This is “torture porn”, movies that feature actors and actresses at the mercy of some horrible killer who slices and dices them while you watch and laugh or giggle or, hopefully recoil in horror. Movies like “Saw” and “Hostel” lead the crop here. Like any type of porn, people pay money to see it because it arouses one of their most basic animal instincts, the so-called “fight or flight response”. People can’t get enough of this shit, seriously, those movies make a ton of money (and none of it comes from me, as I’m not a fan of seeing people suffer, even if its fake). People eat it up as they see the curved blade send the blood splattering across the screen, the guy begging for mercy, or the woman crying. 

Now, obviously the definition of the word porn I’m using is one that basically says that if it arouses some animal instinct in you, or is potentially addictive, and people can’t seem to get enough of it, its porn. So with that, I unveil the third kind of porn; The weather report. Yes, the weather report. Its got it all, curves (either on the weather girl, or on the map behind her), its highly visual, and people can’t get enough of it. Every time I’m near people someone will ask someone else about the weather, if people tune in to the news just to see the weather report, then like fast forwarding through a sex tape, they tune out when its done. Everyday someone wants to see the weather, people are addicted. I don’t know what animal instinct it arouses in us, but it clearly grabs hold of us somehow. We are a society obsessed with the weather, who’s giving the weather report, how hot its going to be, and does it look good. Clearly, the weather report is porn.

More examples: The actors sometimes use stage names, they engage in inane banter and pretend to enjoy themselves, and they use phrases like “this big front comes in behind this one and then it gets really wet”. All that’s missing is a dude at the door with an empty pizza box and a woman in her underwear who can’t pay the bill.

Yep, we’re obsessed with porn, every single one of us. So the next time you condemn the wooden acting, fake looks, curves and hot wetness of the stuff you hear about on the internet, or at the movies or on TV, just take a moment and remember, you’re watching the same thing in a different form every time you tune in to the weather.

If Abraham Lincoln had my hair he could have avoided that whole civil war mess, yes, it looks that good right now. I found god today, and it is my hair. You may kneel before it and worship, I don’t mind. Soft and supple, shiny without being oily, and, as always, not a drop of “product” anywhere near it. Shampoo, condition, rinse, towel-dry, run the fingers through it, give it a shake and its good to go, looking better and better as the day goes on and it finishes drying in the air. Oh, if only the rest of my genetics worked out this well for me.

Heck, even the hair in my beard is soft, actually, come to think of it…

*This post stops here to avoid going in to the “T M I” zone.

This is the latest bit of spam that I found in my inbox a few minutes ago. It seems to be from a woman (actually probably a machine) named Marcella Dolan, and it simply says this:

Subject: Want to be a hero in bed?

Are U Tired with erectile dysfunction?
Enhance your sexual life now!
Want to be ready for sex in few minutes?
Reproductive and ED problems solution

http://geocities.com/XXXXXXX—REDACTED—XXXXXXX/

We are verified by VISA. Confidential purchase.

My response is this:
Yeah! I want to be a hero in bed. I’d love to be able to save the world, or even just a house all without leaving the comfort of my nice, warm bed. How do I do it?

No, I’m not tired of erectile dysfunction, but I am tired of all these emails that seem to think that I might have that issue, the truth is I don’t have a problem, that’s never happened before, I swear, it was just stress, really.

What sex life?

I already am ready in a few minutes, my place or yours?

Woah! We really shouldn’t be thinking about reproduction so soon in our relationship. I’m not ready to get tied down yet.

Geocities? Wow, they still have those sites?

Verified by Visa with a confidential purchase? Can’t I just use my old Texaco card? I could also offer some half-chewed jelly beans that I yanked out of my dog’s mouth earlier, I’m sure they’re still good.